It was my fault this time, admittedly. My battle with dependency will have to be discussed in another post.
This isn’t nearly first or last job application rejection I’ve received over the past few months (I’ve gotten five more rejection emails while editing this) nor is it a unique experience. Being unemployed is a symptom of the current world we live in. The recession the government is pretending does not exist, inflation, the absolute shit-waste hellhole fake AI job market, the ever-widening wealth gap. I have my Master’s degree and $20,000 in student loan debt and have not found a stable job since I graduated. Constantly having my bank account in the negatives. This overall techno-fascist death cult empire. The constant imperialist war and genocides. All of this sprouts deep, deep anger inside of me.
Anger is a warm spirit.
It often hides another emotion like fear, guilt, disappointment, sadness. Anger is a protective mechanism. Anger also stems from love. In this oppressive environment, I am angry because I love my family, my culture, my friends, my community. I love myself. And I know we deserve better than this, all of us do. Anger can be very righteous. Anger lets us know when boundaries are crossed.
Anger— like fire— is purifying, cleansing, destructive. It harms anyone in proximity if not controlled. That is why it must be guided by love. Not love for the enemy, of course ( a silly counterrevolutionary notion). But love for discipline. I am still learning to love discipline!
Anger swallows me up whole sometimes. My entire body in torment, my senses wild and searching for a source to project my righteous-fury-rage-devastation upon. The perfect target is rarely available in these surveilled state of affairs, though. So I simmer and implode internally. Over time, this will lead to high-blood pressure and other stressed-based health consequences which disproportionately kill Black women and other marginalized populations.
So, how to release this anger without going to jail or killing myself? Without letting the fire burn those closest to me whom I love the most?
Anger, like all forms of energy, can be transferred elsewhere. Transferred into art, into movement, into The Work.
I often think about how angry my Ancestors must’ve been during the Haitian Revolution. Full of love for our people, for Ginen, for me— who they fought to create a future for. The anger against the brutal, purely unimaginable suffering and bondage at the hands of colonizers. The righteous anger felt in slaughtering their oppressors. The anger must have been terrific. I pray to embody even half of their courage and alchemy.
The force of collective anger cannot be understated. This is the type of anger that transforms societies, that spurs on revolution. Anger recognizes when there is injustice. However, because of anger’s fire-like volatile nature, it is easily susceptible to misdirection. You get angry at immigrants and homeless people for ruining the country instead of your boss and the billionaires killing the planet, because you have internalized the idea that you should aspire to be like them. That you actually have a chance of becoming the exploiter, the colonizer. This is why conscious-raising and political education is of the upmost importance in any viable movement. If the people do not understand why they are angry, and who is truly at fault for injustice, then they will succumb to ruling class propaganda every time.
In daily life, I maintain my anger mainly by breathing. In order to achieve that perfect disciplined state of love, I must be patient. I must be patient, and understand that I am being sharpened with each trial. That I am in control of my anger, and these conditions are not permanent. That I will not always feel this way! That we all have the power and potential to spur change. I inhale, pulling life back into myself, and exhale, letting go of disappointment and regret.
I have also gotten into the habit of apologizing to myself, in order to acknowledge the pain where anger has sprouted from. I speak to my inner child softly, “I’m sorry things did not turn out the way you expected.” Acknowledgement without blame or the immediate need to fix it. This validation eases the nervous system and allows me to move forward. The flames of rage may be licking the insides of my chest still, but I have restored trust in myself. I’m not being “crazy”, “overdramatic” or any other term that obfuscates what I am experiencing.
Breathing keeps me grounded. I have faith Spirit will provide financially. I am grateful for all that I have and the blessings yet to be seen. I am also still angry, but I let the emotion flow past instead of consuming me. I recognize and acknowledge her presence, purpose, and power. Anger is not my enemy nor am I evil for experiencing it. I choose to see anger as a passageway to inner truth, to liberation.
Anger is a warm spirit.